Saturday, September 15, 2012

Reactor Core Meltdown

So today I was totally going to write about my No 'Poo routine and show you pictures of how well it's working and all that fun stuff but something more important has come up. Allow me to be totally honest with all 5 of you actually reading this, I have depression and anxiety and on a normal day they're both pretty bad. However, at the moment I am battling the most sever depressive episode I've ever had.

Why admit that to strangers on the internet? Well, first I don't know how anyone else's personal battle with depression goes but my brain shames me into keeping quiet about it when I get depressed and that's how it wins. I will be damned if I'm going to let this win so even though I feel stupid and clichè I'm talking about it. I'm going to tell people that I'm sad and I'm tired and I have had a migraine every day for the past two weeks. I'm going to let you and others know that I am having difficulty being a mommy right now because my head is saying such ugly things to me. I am going to ask for help because if it weren't for the fact that my children need me I wouldn't have any reason to live right now. This is the closest I have been to suicidal in five years and I don't like admitting it but if I do then the people who care about me can help and this awful disease will not win. Like Jenny Lawson says depression lies. It tells me that no one will have the time or energy to deal with me if they even believe me at all and I'm better off not talking about it and that is a lie. I can't beat this on my own, it's my own brain that has turned on me and the only way I'm going to get better is if I let people help me.

The other reason I am writing this is in the hope that other people who are like me, who are having a nuclear meltdown inside their heads will see it and realize that they are not alone. If you are fighting depression please remember that it can't win if you let others fight with you. The people who love you aren't going to be annoyed at you for asking for help; that's just your brain lying to you and trying to keep you sick. Join me and refuse to give in please. There's always someone to listen.

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